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Aug. 11th, 2003 06:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
herewiss13People are curious animals and God help me if I'm not completely inept at handling them.
Right now I've got an entire speech laid out in my mind addressed to the former girlfriend, detailing at length just what went wrong, how I erred and how she might have done a few things differently herself. It is a masterful piece of rhetoric, drawing on some of my more recent readings from "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" (which actually has some interesting things to say despite it's pop-cult status), in which I shoulder most of the blame for everything (she broke it off) and explain why we can't just "be friends."
Of course, it's an utterly useless group of words that is most likely self-serving, martyrous and liable to cause hurt feelings.
Honestly, though...am I being overly rancorous or is she just naive to think that, after a unilateral step back from intimacy, that she can still have everything she wants. A movie companion/ walk taker/ IMer/ masseuse/ pillow/ anime-watcher/ listener as if nothing else had ever happened. To end things is her prerogative, of course, but to believe it need not change anything??
I don't know if it's bitterness or just some sort of post-break-up defense mechanism, but I begin to wonder what we were doing together in the first place. I come out of it, at least, knowing that I tend to over-react when someone pays attention to me, mis-reading signals and generally being pushy and premature at best. Of course, I'm fairly certain I knew this about myself beforehand and it didn't help then either. Maybe next time...
Oh, and by the way, for everyone's future reference: "It's not you, it's me." is neither believable nor reassuring. Even if the change is internal to you, I still either helped to promote it, or else failed to take steps to prevent it. And if I could do neither than I'm irrelevant. None of these three options makes me feel any better...it just triples to number of guilt-scenarios I can run in my head over and over and over again.
And since I've ranted this far:
K wanted something physical but platonic, lacking anything approximating desire. Enjoying the physical after a long drought but wanting something a bit _more_ than platonic, YT pushed (though not, thankfully, in a very boorish manner...I hope). Having some small abstract curiosity, K was willing to explore the idea. Things seemed to go well. K appeared not to be as desire-less as she thought. Fun was, apparently, had by all. Then K decided her curiosity was satisfied, she'd learned some things but was still fundamentally uninterested. Hoped this wouldn't hurt YT too much, sorry it had to happen at such a low point in my life, but felt that practically nothing had to change and we could still be buddy-buddies.
Yeah right.
I'd be bloody furious at her for misleading me (had another ex do that just to string me along), but I'm pretty much convinced she was misleading herself too...until she came to her senses again.
There. That was actually...cathartic, I think, given it's been several weeks roiling around inside me. If nothing else, it'd be hard to find a more negative slant on the matter. Better than demonizing the other party, right?
Right now I've got an entire speech laid out in my mind addressed to the former girlfriend, detailing at length just what went wrong, how I erred and how she might have done a few things differently herself. It is a masterful piece of rhetoric, drawing on some of my more recent readings from "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" (which actually has some interesting things to say despite it's pop-cult status), in which I shoulder most of the blame for everything (she broke it off) and explain why we can't just "be friends."
Of course, it's an utterly useless group of words that is most likely self-serving, martyrous and liable to cause hurt feelings.
Honestly, though...am I being overly rancorous or is she just naive to think that, after a unilateral step back from intimacy, that she can still have everything she wants. A movie companion/ walk taker/ IMer/ masseuse/ pillow/ anime-watcher/ listener as if nothing else had ever happened. To end things is her prerogative, of course, but to believe it need not change anything??
I don't know if it's bitterness or just some sort of post-break-up defense mechanism, but I begin to wonder what we were doing together in the first place. I come out of it, at least, knowing that I tend to over-react when someone pays attention to me, mis-reading signals and generally being pushy and premature at best. Of course, I'm fairly certain I knew this about myself beforehand and it didn't help then either. Maybe next time...
Oh, and by the way, for everyone's future reference: "It's not you, it's me." is neither believable nor reassuring. Even if the change is internal to you, I still either helped to promote it, or else failed to take steps to prevent it. And if I could do neither than I'm irrelevant. None of these three options makes me feel any better...it just triples to number of guilt-scenarios I can run in my head over and over and over again.
And since I've ranted this far:
K wanted something physical but platonic, lacking anything approximating desire. Enjoying the physical after a long drought but wanting something a bit _more_ than platonic, YT pushed (though not, thankfully, in a very boorish manner...I hope). Having some small abstract curiosity, K was willing to explore the idea. Things seemed to go well. K appeared not to be as desire-less as she thought. Fun was, apparently, had by all. Then K decided her curiosity was satisfied, she'd learned some things but was still fundamentally uninterested. Hoped this wouldn't hurt YT too much, sorry it had to happen at such a low point in my life, but felt that practically nothing had to change and we could still be buddy-buddies.
Yeah right.
I'd be bloody furious at her for misleading me (had another ex do that just to string me along), but I'm pretty much convinced she was misleading herself too...until she came to her senses again.
There. That was actually...cathartic, I think, given it's been several weeks roiling around inside me. If nothing else, it'd be hard to find a more negative slant on the matter. Better than demonizing the other party, right?
